In the haze of time

Colored lights flash
to the rhythm of the music
And here you are with me, my great love
Your image visited me again
And between dreams and dawn
There you were with your shy smile
With your womanly perfume
And with your lips made of my desire
Half opened as I have imagined them
a thousand times
Beautiful as they have been forever.
And you looked at me with your forest eyes
With your spring gaze
Telling me nothing
Just looking at me
just watching.
How I would like to embrace my dreams
And how I wish I did not have them too
I have achieved neither
And here I am writing to you once more
And I open all the words
As if by magic they could touch you
As if by some invisible force
They could reach your ears
And I want them to be a music
And a song and a hope …
But I know they are just words.
They are only dreams of the past
They are just memories of golden sunsets
Of naked and hot naps
Of wet hugs full of passion
Of silences and looks
Of interlocking hands
Of intermixed bodies
Of tears that I could not kiss
and arms that said farewells
and everything that disappeared
in the haze of time
and in the misunderstanding of the moment.
I cannot get to your shores
Which no longer belong to me
And although every day
I look forward to your signal
Something inside me tells me
That I have to let you go
I have to say goodbye
I have to see you as you are.
It would be so simple if I could do it
If I could see you as you really are
If I could look at you with my eyes
And touch you with my hands
And kiss you with my lips
And love you with all my being
But that seems to be neither my destiny
Nor yours.
I cannot spend my life
In the port of my memories
Waiting for that vessel
That will someday arrive
Waiting to glimpse it on the horizon
With its yellow sails and its breath of flowers.
I simply cannot
Nor can I stop waiting for you
Come and tell me what you want me to do
Tell me with your sweetness of gardens
That you want to see me one afternoon
Or for two evenings and one night
And for one morning I can love you
You almost told me through
the invisible thread
But the words vanished
After being pronounced
After being thought
After being caressed
After being dreamed.
You stopped talking
And you are silent on the other side of the world.
Where the heat I feel is the snow that surrounds you
Where the fire on your hearth
Keeps you quiet, tranquil and lost.
Maybe you’re not what I think
And surely you are not what you were
And already the autumn of our lives
Decides that fallen leaves
only serve as seed
for what we have launched into the future.
That future that we do not know
That we only intuit
That we only hope for
That we only touch when the memory appears
Because it is really the yearning of the past
It is the fragrance of withered flowers
That has intruded into my present
Making me seek you and pursue you.
If I saw it any other way…
We have nothing besides what is already gone
We have nothing that is not a memory
We have nothing besides a great distance
That is no longer only in time
But also in this space that does not match
with your life or with mine.
And our lives never coincided
And here we are, the two pieces
They cannot fit
They cannot understand each other
They cannot see themselves
They cannot touch
Still looking for each other
And avoiding each other
And loving each other
And yearning endlessly
Because for a moment we were one
For a brief moment we were indissoluble
We were immortal
We were everything for the other
How much longer will you continue to visit me?
How many more dreams will I have in your absence?
Will I ever see you?
The colored lights flash to the rhythm of the music
And here you are with me, my great love
We dance slowly and every flash
Shows me a detail of your face
And body
I thank you for your tenuous smile
I also thank you for the murmur
that hopes for an eternal love

Portland Oregon, April 1998