Characteristically, conflicts are forces that oppose each other and generate internal division, or in the case of armed conflict, end in wars and disasters. The most important conflicts are the internal ones because they can be worked on, and can even “disappear.” This is extremely important for many reasons, the most significant of which has to do with internal unity. If the conflict disappears, the division also disappears, and instead of forces opposing each other, a direction appears that tends to be one single direction.
I have observed that when I am in a situation of conflict, my tendency is to look for an immediate solution. It is difficult to stay in a conflict. My whole being is looking for a resolution so that I can “continue,” but I rarely understand what it means to “continue.” What do I continue? This does not appear very clear, either as a question or as a possibility for resolving conflicts.
I’m not sure if what happens to me happens to others, but most of my conflicts are structured around what I “want” and what I “should do.” What I want – what I aspire to or desire – and what really happens that does not coincide with what I want. Or what does not coincide with what I should do, think or feel. Of all the angles from which I have observed my internal conflicts, the feeling of “disagreeing with myself” is almost omnipresent. Internal conflict always traps me in that situation of disagreement, the feeling that “something is not working.” I don’t like how I feel and I don’t like the answers I give. I don’t like anything related to my conflict, because I experience it with internal contradiction whether or not I want to admit it.
So far I have at least been able to realize that my conflicts exist, and this has been the first important step. The second step, which is really a stumble, has been to accept that I am indeed in a conflictive internal situation. I am divided and not in agreement with myself. This is my inner reality, whether I like it or not. The third step has been to ask myself about the root of my conflict.
When I ask myself about the root of my conflict, I don’t ask myself about the causes but about my fears and my reveries. At least in my case, I almost always find something meaningful when I can see my fears and my daydreams. Both speak of something that doesn’t really exist. I know that here I am getting into a mess, because I’m questioning “existence,” and I can clearly feel my fears and describe my reveries, so how can I say they do not exist when I have a register of them? Perhaps I should put it another way that is softer and more precise: they are illusory. They exist as illusions. Illusions about reality, about the world around me, and about myself.
When I am able to see my illusions, only then do I discover the root of my conflict – but that is not as easy as it sounds. One of the biggest difficulties is in “trying to resolve my conflict,” because that desperate search for a solution is precisely what will end up fueling the conflict. So I don’t “do anything”… I just stay there observing my fears and reveries. And as I observe them, a special light, the product of attention, begins to illuminate them and they no longer have the suggestive power that they normally have. In simpler words, they lose the power to “fool me,” and then they can effectively “disappear.” After all, the illusory is by definition, something that can disappear or “not exist.”
I must say that all these conflicts are reflections and experiments related to the principle that says: “You will make your conflicts disappear when you understand them at their ultimate root, not when you want to resolve them.”
And I must also clarify that this is only a personal experience and not an explanation or a development of this principle, since there are many other ways to understand and interpret it. In my case, I have always wanted to delve into the concept of the “disappearance of the conflict” because I find it incredibly interesting. As someone said a couple of weeks ago, we always have difficulties, but they do not need to turn into conflicts. The difficulty may remain, but the conflict may disappear and that in itself brings me a register of internal unity because the important thing, as I said at the beginning, is to “bring together” the forces in a single direction. Once again, I understand that this whole thing of understanding conflicts has to do more than anything with an internal attitude towards them.
April 7, 2021